this saturday, i could have died.
i mean, i could have died any day, but on saturday i found myself suspended upside down in a smashed car in the middle of a country road with shattered glass everywhere.
it’s really a surreal feeling. i know i was supposed to watch everything in slow motion and have my life flash before my eyes and think of one last thing before i go. but none of those things happened. i looked down and then down was up. everything was light and then everything was dark. my brother said “are you ok?” and all i could think was that we should get out of the car before the next one came down the road. or maybe i just wanted to get out of the car. i think i said “i need to get out” instead of just “get out.” but there’s no video to prove it, i’m afraid. only a mangled car and some cuts on the back of my hand.
as usual, i must analyze the situation. why didn’t i think of anything i’m supposed to? am i supposed to think of anything anyways? maybe i knew i wasn’t going to die. maybe i’m okay with it.
1. i think i knew that this would be the event we rolled at. a few moments after the roll i had seen before because i dreamed them months earlier. most vivid was duplessis’ white R32 rolling backwards at the stop control where we waited to go retrieve our once-proud rally car. i am not joking, i saw this a long time ago. maybe that’s why i wasn’t afraid. i knew it wasn’t time.
2. on my dresser, before the last two rallies, i have left a list of things that should be done and said if i don’t come back.
i think now, i’m supposed to realize there are so many things i haven’t done and that i need to do them all at once. but there’s really only a few things that i would miss if i had to watch them from some ethereal plane. and i hope most of those people know already that i would miss them.