i was trying to think when my confrontation with myself happened. 99? perhaps. 2001? pretty likely. right now? probably not. the idea of utter aloneness has never been a fear i’ve needed to conquer. i sort of live alone all the time anyways. i’m a loner, dottie. a rebel.
do i need to spend two years with nothing in order to conquer something? i don’t think so. in fact, i think it’s pretty selfish. the thing that keeps me from living alone in the wild is that i value the few connections i have too much. i’m not afraid of dying alone in a wilderness or of not knowing what to do when i run out of food or anything like that. i’m afraid that my happiness in that situation will leave me like every happiness i’ve encountered recently: wanting to share it with someone. not just type it on some page that no one reads, but to see them dismiss it or politely nod as i put too much passion into how awesome it is to go to the grocery store and see two big dudes buy a 24 pack of budweiser. or to drive for 16 hours one way and walk ten miles in a town just to get a burrito. or to put my fingers in the puget sound and touch them to my tongue, regardless of the levels of fecal coliform bacteria. or the performance of hal holbrook, when i thought i was watching a documentary instead of a fictionalized version of a true story.
i should have done this more. but i can’t make people understand what i’m saying. that’s why it always ends up like this. me in a magic bus, staring at the sky until i can’t see any more.